Little Mister

14 months old! He's practically a grown man now. I love watching him roam around the backyard, yell at squirrels, chase birds at the beach, and explore every nook and cranny of the house. His smile melts my heart. His arms hug me strongly. And he is still my baby.

This is the longest I've not been pregnant between kids. There's a paradox of emtotions present. Sad and missing a newborn, happy to not be facing pregnancy hormones and being slowed down, melancholy toward the kids as I've been browsing through their baby pictures, and ultimately LOVING that I get to play softball for the first time evah....

So yeah, I'll keep loving you my little MR and take in each day with you as my baby. <3

A Letter to my Black Friends

To My Black friends,

At first, I heard you talk about injustice and because I had not seen it or felt that I did not inflict it upon you, I refused to listen to your voice. But now you are talking so loud that I can ignore you no longer. I have begun to listen. 

Let me start by saying I am sorry for my apathy, for not pausing long enough to listen. I think I hear you say that you are a displaced people. You feel second class. You are so much more than what is being shown to me by the media. You have been doing great things for the longest time in obscurity and most times the credit goes to a white person. Your identities were stripped from you as you were enslaved. You were forced to bear the last names of men who hated you. Even though you were “given” freedom you have not been accepted for who you are.

My heart grieves as I finally hear. I hear the hurt and the pain. I don’t want you to feel this way.

I want to do something. What can I do? 

I do not wish to be your bullhorn because then it is my voice that is heard and I don’t want that. I don’t wish to be a white savior. I realize this is a fight that has to come from you. I BELIEVE in YOU my black friend. I believe you are strong enough. I believe you are smart enough. I believe you ARE enough.

I think one of the best things I can do is to get out of your way and Let.You.Do.It. Find your place. Change our world! Change MY world.

You can tell me of the wonderful things that you are doing. Tell me how influential to American culture you are. Tell me what it is you want to tell me.

If you see me silent it is because I’ve chosen to stop talking so you can be heard. 

 #iamlistening

Seeking first His kingdom

We met with our home buying counselor last night. We have been going through a program for the last 6 months. I wasn't looking forward to telling her we had been told by God to give a portion of our savings away just recently. Even though God miraculously gave that money ALL right back to us, the program asks that you have no withdrawals so we were looking at having to reestablish a savings pattern for another 6 months. Enter yet another miracle. Our counselor was not phased what so ever by our crazy story. Not only did she understand, she in fact encouraged us to keep being obedient God. Over and over again she expressed how blessed she was to hear our story. I am always floored and humbled at the way He has used us to inspire, encourage and bless people we consider strangers by JUST being us, the Jackson family.

At this point we have a few more things on our checklist but could potentially start looking for a our very own Jackson home in a few weeks!!!! He's taken what we expected to be 6 months or more and condensed it to a very near reality! The timing may seem off since we will need to be out of our current residence in a few weeks. But we KNOW God has prefect timing so we are going to continue to believe in God's provision.

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' Or 'What shall we drink?' Or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

When I look at my precious children, when I'm able to bless my neighbor, serve a family member or encourage a total stranger I know that's what He wants from me. PEOPLE are his kingdom. Antoine and I have been stepping out in faith on this promise and he has been sweetly whispering to our hearts the encouragement we need to keep believing, to keep trusting Him. He's showing up. He knows what we need before we even say a word. We take care of those He is asking us to take care of, He is taking care of us. It's amazing and supernatural. It's bigger than "us". May he ALWAYS get the glory for our family. May we continue to hear and be obedient.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not LIFE more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Matthew 6:25

Wholly Surendered

It's not easy to write about something you are still walking through but I feel like God just keeps bringing the words back to my head over and over and asking me to share so I will be obedient.

The Jackson's have been in a crazy season for a little while now.  At the beginning of the year I could feel the whisper of excitement in my heart that God had quite a year planned out for us and some seasons that would bring change to our family.

We've been saving for a little while in hopes to buy a home later this year. A little over a week ago we received notice that the home we are currently in is being sold and we have a little over a month to move.  The day BEFORE we got the notice God challenged us to give away a portion of our savings. We knew that act of giving out of obedience was setting some wheels into motion so in a way the notice was no surprise. It's time. This home has been our mannah. It has sustained us as God's provision. Even though it hasn't been lavish, we feel so blessed and believe God has asked us to take care of the less fortunate as He is taking care of us. Pretty crazy, scary and neat.

God always uses my labors as a foreshadow and preparation for the season to come. (I LOVE it!) Rhett's birth is no exception. I knew going into it 1.I desired and needed His presence more than anything. And 2. I wanted to breathe my baby down.  Both of which require surrender. With each wave of a contraction that would pass over I would feel the "urge to push". Usually I go with that urge to push to get that baby out fast. But really it's hard on both our bodies that way.  Instead I have learned to breathe through that urge to push, letting my body do the work it needs to do and gently bring the baby earth side. For these moments I'm walking a fine line so that I don't take over.  Focus, calm  and  surrender are needed EACH moment. I don't know how long the labor will last but I know He is giving me the strength to relax into each contraction.

In this season of life He is reminding me to breathe this new life out. Surrender to this God designed process. All the fear and anxiety and sheer panic threatening my mind and making me want to push, to insert myself, my solutions and my way,  I am to breathe those away with complete surrender to Him. i don't know how long this labor will be or the suffering yet to come but His presence is so strongly felt, He is all we need. Wave after wave crashing over us and yet we can surrender all.  Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.  This was my birth anthem and is now my season anthem.

God is so faithful. He has grown our family and grown our finances and provided for us as we have trusted our family to His will for us. We don't know the outcome but we know God. We know he asked us to keep giving and loving the least of these. It's the only real direction we have right now. So  we give ourselves away so that He may use us and He alone may have the glory. We will wait patiently on Him in anticipation for the new season coming up for us, to the new LIFE that awaits us. I am so thankful we are not alone here on Earth. The creator God is our Jehovah Jireh. Praise him with us, even through the storm.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord" psalm 27:14

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

From the Heart of a Homeschooling Mom on Her Son's First Day of Public School

I started homeschooling Demetrious when he was 4. He's lead the way in our homeschooling journey ever since. For quite a few years now he's wanted to go to public school. Knowing he's a "grass is always greener on the other side" kind of kid we always made the choice to keep him home.

Antoine and I have been in prayer over the summer and felt led to begin moving forward and looking into charter schools. Over the weeks we have truly come to believe public school is exactly where he is supposed to be this year.

Part of what fuels you as a homeschooling mom is believing you are the best *teacher* for *your* child. As you can imagine my head and heart have been put into a tailspin the past few weeks as I have come to the firm belief that at this time I am not what my firstborn needs. For SO many reasons, he needs this adventure in school this year.

I can't see past the year. I can't even see past today actually. How I will share my time and heart and passion for my kids' learning between public and home schools is a little beyond me. But I will be consciously resting in knowing that my firstborn is ready for this challenge, ready for this year and eager for the independence. I have a peace knowing that God is God at public school as much as He is God at homeschool. He will keep us in perfect peace through this year as our eyes are fixed on him.

Unfair: The follow up

Be sure you've read last night's blog,"Unfair", for a little background. 

As I was thinking of all of yesterday's events in the wee hours of the morning, God brought to mind the kids and myself. I thought about how they act when something I do seems totally unfair...to them. (Yelling, fit throwing, "meanie mommy", "I hate you". The works!) I remembered what my husband said to me after our daughter had one of her little sessions yesterday afternoon. "She will apologize later and restore." We know she doesn't really mean the things she's saying, she really loves us, she ultimately knows we're good, but she doesn't think what we're asking of her right then is fair. And she trusts that we are strong enough for her to be able to melt all the way down in the moment and still be emotionally available later to restore relationship. 

That totally made me realize 1. I'm so glad we don't spank or punish the kids when they say those things even though it really hurts to hear. 2. It helped me not to take it so personal. I mean here's the perfect God and I'm sad/upset and feeling like he's unfair. Yet He's not shaken by that. He knows his own goodness. Yes, He wants me to ultimately put my trust and faith in what I know instead of feel but He also wants me to tell him all about how I feel, to let it all out so we can restore, so he can remind me that He IS good.

Unfair

Laying in bed, late at night and unable to sleep. The sadness I have been tucking away in a closet somewhere in my heart has finally pushed it's way out. 

I can't make sense of it all and I'm drowning in the questions. Why must we struggle? Why do bad things happen to good people? I realize I have been mad at God for a little while now. Don't be shocked. You know you do it too. Yes, you, good Christian person. 

I look at my own struggles as of late, pitiful in comparison to the tragic grief a friend is experiencing but here they are none the less. 

I've been angry and frustrated at the difficulty I face as a pregnant, emotional, tired and cumbersome woman who is nearing the wonderfully awful time of laboring a child onto earth... for the 9th time. I have it in my head I should be exempt from all this inconvenience. The raging hormones, aching hips, tired feet, the mood swings and tears and most of all the intense process of pain that you know is looming ahead. Not to mention on a daily basis, whenever some minor inconvenience arises, I say to God "Mothers should not have to face this kind of stuff! It just shouldn't have to be this hard" We go through enough just mothering. Any computer difficulties, car troubles, home management "projects" just seem cruel and unfair. And THAT'S how I've been seeing God lately. Unfair. Today didn't help that really. I don't see how or why a tiny child of 8 weeks had to leave this earth, to leave her family. The ultimate unfairness to any mother.

And I don't have some really great "turned my attitude around story" right now. I'm still struggling. I KNOW God is good. I know that this is about MY inability to have His eyes in these situations. 

I guess I'll end with: How do YOU deal with this? How do you process grief and God? Or your anger toward him? Where do you take on attitudes of unfairness and harbor that against Him? Or do you see God as too Holy to even think about doing so?